Chocolate Spread
It’s lunchtime and you didn’t eat breakfast. You’ve been doing housework all day, looking forward to finishing so you can sit down with a cup of tea and a sandwich. There is some crusty bread in the kitchen, and it has been calling out to you for hours. You put the vacuum cleaner down and head to the cupboard. You reach your arm in and pull out the perfect accompaniment to delicious bread: chocolate spread. Spread it on thick and dig in.
Ran out of chocolate spread on a Monday at one,
a-singin’ do lolly, lolly, shicky bum, shicky bum.
Started gettin’ real blue on a Tuesday at two,
a-singin’ do lolly, lolly, what to do, what to do?
Wednesday at three I called the local grocery,
singin’ “Hey there baby, just a-give me what I need.”
.
It’s midnight and you’re having a bad dream in which you’re married to John Malkovic or Oprah. The embarrassment, as you walk around the supermarket with them, is unbearable, and you scream out loud when you realise that you’re in all of the magazines as the pitiable spouse. You wake up in a sweat. Oh sweet Jesus on a bike, it wasn’t real, you think. How on earth are you going to get back to sleep now? You lean over to your bedside table and dunk your index finger into a big jar of Nutella. Such dreamy delight!
Thursday at four he came a-knockin’ at my door, singin’
“Hey there baby, I’m your Nutella man.
You just show me where you want it and I’ll put it where I can
I can spread it on your crumpet, I spread put it on your buns
I can spread it on my hotdog, we can have a little fun
You can have it with some butter, you can have some margarine,
And if you really want it, you can have some triple cream
Because-a hey there baby, I’m your Nutella man.”
It’s the swimming championship final and you’re in the changing rooms getting ready for the race. It’s been a long and arduous journey, getting to this point. The hours of hard training have put considerable strain on your body and mind, but it’s days like this that make it all worth it. There is a huge crowd waiting outside and you want to give them something to cheer for, but there’s a problem. You haven’t shaved your legs in a month and you’ve forgotten your shaving gel at home. Hairy legs could add seconds to your time, and those seconds could mean the difference between first and second place. There’s only one thing for it. You reach into your gym bag and pull out a jar of chocolate spread. You slather it thickly all over your legs and go to work with the razor. Now there’s nothing in the way and victory is yours to take.
Josey Moses
